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luvz,

~ k

before it's too late ...

i really, really need to sit mamang down one of these days with a video camera (or at the very least my digital)
and ask her some very important questions ... you just never know, you know?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

it's all auntie melda's fault ...

she came over to auntie myrna's where we were all hanging out yesterday after church
and gave us a loving little pep talk ...

i think some members of the family completely missed the point though

they continued verbalizing their dislike for each other

and saying things which i hope to God they don't actually mean ...

i just wish the females in our family could be much nicer to each other

i don't know what makes them just say the meanest, most hurtful things

about each other - and in public too ...

and then to respond to a message that was supposed to encourage them
to be even more loving by adding insult to injury by saying things like
"if i could go back, i'd put them all back in my belly - that's how ungrateful these kids are" ...

i wish we knew how to say more loving things ...

i know it's a lot to ask, we aren't used to saying such things ...

we're much better at doing rather than saying ...

there's no doubt our parents love us ---
they provide a home for us, give us money, feed us, buy us clothes,
pay for vacations and fun little trips, help us move in and out of our dorms,
pay for our school bills, etc, etc, ...

but do they SAY they love us?

i guess it's an asian thing and i ought to be used to it by now
i'm sure they recognize when they say things that hurt our feelings
but i've never once heard them apologize

....

i've learned something important from auntie melda though ...

it doesn't matter how they hurt your feelings or how they criticize you
or make you feel like somehow you aren't good enough
it doesn't matter that their expectations feel too high to reach
or that they seem emotionally distant

they are still your parents ... and they are all you have ...

it's better to just let them talk
let them complain
let them criticize

more importantly, just let them show their love in what little way they know how
and accept that --- just accept it without complaint
because one day, you're going to turn around and without warning,
it would be too late to tell them you love them ...

if they hurt you, just take it -don't point it out to them,
because from their point of view, they have already tried their best with you
and everything you do to point out their failings makes them feel so hurt,
so ashamed, and not so willing to finance you
when you need financial help the next time around ...

you might feel like they don't give you enough love - but really, what IS enough?

anyway, they're older than we are - they won't change anymore ...

but we still have the chance to change -

we can still show them how much we appreciate them

how much we love them and respect them

at least, while they're still around ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

thank you auntie melda for reminding me of what's important :) ...

i hope i can take your advice and be a little more grateful
a little nicer - a better daughter to my mother from now on ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

on a more somber note ...
today is auntie cherry aguila's memorial/funeral service ---

to the aguila family ---
i know it was all too sudden - none of us expected her to leave us so soon ...

i am so sorry for your loss ... i hope you know that i am praying for you

and that i have heard many, many people praying for you

during this painful time ... just know that there is hope -

we will see auntie cherry again when Jesus comes back!

we can hardly wait for that day to come!

words galore ...

thank u manang shem for the comment! my comment box was not working but at least i got it in email so i'll just post it here ... sorry about that :) ...

comment from manang shem: Your stories are always interesting in writing...I think I prefer reading them than hearing them from you...I guess it's because you don't leave out anything when you have them in writing...hehehe...

By the way, you could have Avani anytime...I'll make sure she has her baby bag filled with all her necessities so you won't have to worry...hehehe...

Ciao






*** *** ***




too much has happened so far this summer - it's almost impossible to recount everything in just one blog ... so to save time, i was going to post some pictures --- but ... changed my mind on that ... well - ok, so maybe i'll post a couple of them ...

first things first - WEDDINGS galore!!! first lani & richard - then myla & rob ... ALMOST convinced me that matrimonial bliss was the way to go ... then i remembered --- oh yeah, no - wait a minute - what the hell was i thinking there for a second!?! falling in love is great and all - a lot of fun, but most definitely NOT something that lasts forever! why tie one's self down when you can have a plethora of friendships to keep you from going over the deep end? anyway, my independence is too precious to go to waste --- NO WAY was i going to give that up unless of course it was for an interdependent relationship with someone too fabulous to let pass ... and, of course, hopefully he is well-endowed --- i mean in the cash department you pervert! ... oh, and of course ... let us not forget to mention funny funny funny ... God, i love men who can crack me up ...

back to reality ... the wedding ceremonies were all sorts of romantic & dizzyingly joyful ... and hanging out with my family was just about the equivalent of a waffle bowl of coffee & brownie-flavored coldstone ice cream in the middle of a hot day in my little riverside hellhole ... i am certainly giddy for the beautiful ppl who tied the knot - they seem joyful and secure and blessed --- and may they have happiness always and forever and ever --- amen ... yet true to the cynical tone of voice i like to throw around, i was all the more convinced that the BONDS of marriage don't match any of my newly-purchased outfits ... shiny chains and deceptively soft leather are soOoOo not my style ...

of course, i'm not saying never --- no no no ... like i said ... i still believe in forever after and "meant to be after all" ... just not anytime soon, you know what i mean jelly belly?

ALTHOUGH ... i have to admit - it's silly, i know ... but i think i would like to have a baby ... a light-haired, soft-skinned, sweet-smelling, pleasant-tempered, perfect little baby ... and i think i would name her -- i don't know ... something fanciful like Sierra Faye or some other woodland fairy-inspired conglomeration ... but of course ... those bouts of lunacy only hit me up until i see a real-life infant and realize that, really, who would want one of those smelly, needy, thingy-majiggers with the pooper you have to scoop at irregular intervals ... yeah yeah ... i suppose i'll just settle for manang shem's baby ... i'll cuddle it until it takes a piss or does something equally disagreeable - and then i will simply hand it back to its parents ... ahhh ... so nice ... so ... free ...

got to see my good friends aimee & martin perez in the lovely Lacombe, Alberta ... she and i wore the SAME DRESS to myla's wedding!!! how funny is that!?! all i have to say is, GREAT MINDS - though separated by thousands of miles - THINK ALIKE ...

what else? oh yes ... i went to las vegas to see phantom of the opera!!! PHANTOM!!! OF THE OPERA!!! LIVE LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE!!! !!! !!! the hooters hotel and casino was completely awesome! i even gambled a little bit with the penny slots and won NOTHING, of course ... then i found out that when you gamble they give you free drinks --- whee!!! i fell in love that night ... with "sex on the beach" ... mmm mmm mmm good .... of course, after two drinks i was pretty much ready for bed - alcohol, however pitiful the amount, sends me straight to dreamland ... so --- no clubbing for me that night ...

the next day, lounged around the pool and got a heavenly swedish massage --- awwwww ... man, oh man, i HOPE the man i end up with knows how to give back rubs! i've always been a sucker for back and neck rubs! ... ... later that night, saw the pussycat dolls at club pure ... to be honest, they were all right - my favorite "doll" spent some of the night in a bath tub on the stage with bubbles all over ... how cutely provocative! i think i only liked looking at her because she looked so hot in those fishnet stockings with her wavy dark hair and drop earrings ... (no no no - i know how this sounds ... but i DO like men ... i just prefer looking at women, that's all ;) ...

later that evening, watched the Sopranos "last supper" - a spoof on the tv show ... and the actor who played the older "uncle" who shot tony in the last few episodes kept pulling me out of my chair and dancing with me ... it got to where the actresses even asked me to come up to the front of the stage with them and do their little dance with them but needless to say i refused ... it was already bad enough being seen in public trying to jive with the utterly dapper and smooth-stepping dude ... for an old man, he really could dance ... hmmm ... there's nothing like a guy who knows how to lead you in a social dance --- if it had been a younger guy, i would most definitely have found that sexy ...

after over-dosing on my favorite buffalo shrimp HOOTERS-STYLE - i headed home in a euphoric mood, ready to face summer school at La Sierra University in high spirits ...

speaking of La Sierra ... ugh ... let's not speak of La Sierra ... the school itself isn't bad ... let's just say the daily coursework and the demanding schedule i've had to endure has been, in a word, quite hellish ... so i won't comment on it anymore on this blog ...

earlier this month, i made my yearly pilgrimage to the Del Mar Fair ... whatever, i know what the other name for that event is but it has always been and will always be the Del Mar Fair to me ... i tried deep fried asparagus and deep fried garlic mushrooms for the first time in my life ... i have never been so deeply enmeshed in deep-fried goodies ... i swear, i could feel myself sweating canola oil ... it was delicious, that's for sure! but i'm not sure my blood vessels were too excited with me after that day ...

just last weekend, went to DISNEYLAND and CALIFORNIA ADVENTURELAND ... i don't care what you say ... yes, i am a dork! i'm not scared to admit that :) i'm a complete nerd when it comes to amusement parks --- it's just my kind of thing! i had the best time there! and i rode the kiddie rides, yes i did!!! and i screamed like a banshee during the "scary" portions of the roller coasters ... yes!!! teehee! :) yes yes, yet another highlight in my otherwise monochromatic existence ... :) ...

and so there ... you have been brought up to date ... and now - you may continue living your life in blissful unawareness of what other adventures i've managed to concoct for myself ...

until next time then ... thanks for the comments and for the updates on YOUR lives ...

and just so you know --- i love ... i love ... i love ...

... johnny depp ...

no really ...

i am in love with him :) ...

hanggang sa muli
... i remain yours truly ...

::: shashimerz :::

sad goodbye ...

it doesn't look like much
but that little man with the white hat
is tearing to pieces a part of my childhood

it looks like popeye's chicken
national city
is no more ...

God ... that was great chicken!

i don't understand this love thing ...

i guess i could just tell him "no" ...




after all - he NEVER
bandaged my "o-wie"s
read me a story
taught me how to play any sports
walked me to school
showed my pictures off to his friends
showed up long enough to let me show him off to my friends
listened to my teenage angst
stood up for me when some boy tried to break my heart
called me up just to say he loved me
gave me money for college
gave me advice on what career i should choose
bought me a new car
bought me any kind of car
comforted me after the divorce ...



he NEVER, not once in my life, did anything to deserve being called my "dad" ...

it was daddy ted who did most of that for me ... he was the one who was always there when i needed a "father" in my life ...

and yet ...

when my biological father asks for my help, whether i want to feel this way or not, just the fact that he IS my father provides me with enough warm & fuzzy feelings {could this be love or a mere semblance of?} to make me want to help him ...



i don't understand it at all ...




he's done nothing to earn my respect or my love ...




and yet ... ... ...




there it is ...




and here we are ...

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